Day 61

It's my 61st day of quarantine/lock down/isolation/stay-cation.  

For the most part I'm doing quite well.  I'm much more positive then I thought I'd be.  I'm far from the edge though that feeling comes in and out.  Feelings.  Lots and lots of feelings.  I'm having feelings and I'm spending a great deal of time thinking about feelings.  Whose having them and why.  Will I have them in the same way.  Why do some people seem to have none.  Why are some folks mad when you voice yours or express having the same feelings as them.  Anyhow, lots of feelings being had and thought of.   

61 days at home alone.  Alone.  But only at times lonely.   

I've been thinking about how strange it is that I've not been touched in 61 days.  No hugs, no kisses, strong handshakes, pats on the shoulder, no touch.  It's starting to make me feel tired.  I can only equate this lack of touch with loss.  I've lost something that made me feel so good.  It made me feel loved and connected, like I was part of something bigger than myself.  I miss it.  My body is yearning for it.  I've dozed off a few times and dreamt of who I would hug first.  How will that feel?  Will it only take one hug to get me back or will I have to hug everyone I see for weeks before I feel like I'm full again.  I pity the first man I kiss.  He will be on the receiving end of a flash of lightning and a thunderbolt all in one kiss.  I will be full of some much electricity that I'll be all lit up!  At least I hope.  I hope I'll want to hug and kiss someone after this is all said and done.  I hope I'll want to sit really close to a friend and casually touch them as they speak without thinking about fear and death.  I hope I don't lose the want to be out with others in close quarters listening to music or telling tales and drinking wine till it's 4am.  I hope there will be more days like that to be had.   

I also wish that when those days come we are changed for the better.  I hope artists are treated like the spiritual medical personnel that we are.  I hope venues become revered places of respect and creativity where everyone wants to come in and see, hear and feel what it is to be alive and expressive.  I hope that money doesn't stop young people from dreaming big and having the courage to reach for their dreams.  I hope food is more available to everyone, and good food, free of pesticides and poisonous garbage.  I hope we can all safely see a doctor and not be in fear of losing our homes, cars, lively hoods.  I hope that I can dream again of living my life to the fullest.  I hope that everyone will feel the same.  

I want love to come in like a flood.  I want us to feel drenched in loving.  I will spend more time now fantasizing about how I would love to see the world and the US in post pandemic times.  I don't want to forget any of this time alone.  I don't want to rush it and run from it or pretend it all away.  I want to soak it in.  All the painful nights, all the lonely afternoons, all the silence, all the agitation and discomfort, I need to remember it all.  This is what will change me.  This is what will allow me to proper in the new times.  This is my chrysalis.   

Sending you all so much love.  

You're in my thoughts. I hope you are staying safe and healthy and loving yourself and those around you.  

XO 

M

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